hey Reddit.
I (23f) have been dating a guy (22m) for a few months now. Everything seemed perfect, aside from the temporary distance between us, since he’s working a temporary job out of state and visiting with family. otherwise he’d be only about 45 minutes drive from me or, when he finishes school, further north in my state, but he only has a semester left to finish. he’s visited me about once every month since we started talking, and we go on a few dates when we‘re together.
Well, I’ve been wanting him to ask me about a more serious relationship between us and starting to label each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, but it hasn’t quite happened yet. we’ve been exclusive since very early on in talking and expressed a strong and deep interest in each other and that we do indeed want a serious long term relationship. But we had a talk about it the last time he was down and he said because of the distance, he’d be disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to properly treat me the way he wants to, won’t get to see me often, and he wanted for us to get to that place in our relationship, but that he doesn’t want things to be official until distance won’t get in the way, essentially. He then asked me if I’d be okay with long distance and I said yes, but he said it doesn’t feel fair to me that he won’t be able to be the best boyfriend that he can be because of the distance. He said he wanted to talk more about it later so I waited.
last week he suddenly went silent on me for 3 days. He came back apologetic and clarified that he had a bit of a depressive episode and couldn’t find the motivation to talk to his loved ones or commit to his daily routine but he apologized and said he felt really bad about making me worry. then we talked over the phone and he told me that there’s something he has been avoiding telling me about his personal life and wants to but is scared and doesn’t want me to worry about him because of it.
We finally met again this week and he told me. I basically told him that I was a little upset at him because I couldn’t tell where our relationship was going. He again stated that as much as he would love to be my boyfriend, he’s not in the best place and told me about his situation. He also told me that before this happened, he had been working up the courage to ask me to be his girlfriend, but his world got turned upside down.
About a month ago, a very close and important member of his family had a tragic death, in probably the worst way possible. The way where you can’t help but wonder if there was anything you could've done to help them, anything you could’ve said or done to prevent it. The funeral hasn’t even happened yet, it’s still very fresh. And it’s impacted his life and emotional state in a big way. he’s medicated and talks to a therapist, which is why he told me. Because his therapist suggested it. Which, I guess, means I’m important to his life. And he told me he hasn’t even told many of his close friends yet. I appreciated him telling me the truth and being honest in saying he’s not ready to move our relationship the way I wanted to. It’s disappointing, yes, and I honestly feel kind of selfish for even wanting more when I know I shouldn’t feel that way because I didn’t know what was going on in his life.
he told me he’s unsure of where his future will go, if he’ll continue school or if he’ll stay out of state with his relatives because being in his own house has been stressful and difficult and everyone is handling the situation in not very healthy ways. And I understand that, because my dad’s mom died recently as well, about a month or two ago, and it was affecting the way he acted, he lashed out a lot more than usual, and got upset at small things. It seems my guy’s mom has also been acting in a similar way. A lot of grief in one house can be overwhelming.
I’d honestly be fine with a long distance relationship, but knowing all of this has changed things. As much as I want to be there for him and support him, I had to do a lot of that kind of emotional labor in my last relationship and it was a massive reason why we broke up. I can tell that he is much more mature and communicative than my ex, but still, that fear is definitely there.
I want to curse the universe for this ever happening. Someone I care for’s heart is broken and is feeling pain, I’ll never get to meet one of the most important people in his life, and selfishly, I might not be able to have the relationship I want with him for months, maybe longer. Maybe years. Maybe not ever. My heart is crushed for this. He is such a sweet boy and cares for me dearly. He talks about me as if I’m an angel or a gift from god. And I care so much for him and I want to support him and help him be happy. But I just don’t know how to realistically feel about all of this or what I should do.
